Improbable Phrases

Who says that?

This is Plymouth? We’ve Just Come from There. Back in the Boat, Lads, We’ve Gone ‘Round in a Circle.

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I’m going to go see Eddie Izzard in May. But unlike most of his recent tour dates, (London, LA, NYC) this won’t entail me schlepping myself hither and yon. Because he’s *coming to Chicago!*

(cue the squeeing and jumping up and down)

Anna, Irene and I will be seeing him live and in person. It’ll be one of the funnest things that I have planned two months in advance. The organization, I feel, is almost as crazy as the opportunity to see him. And not on YouTube, or DVD. But live, in person. Did I mention, *in person?*

The thrill of it all.

For the sake of being list-y, I would like to list some of my favorite quotes from previous tours. Also, the title at the top is an Eddie Izzard quote.

  • You certainly haven’t been smoking in a bar in California! Because you can’t! Yes … no smoking in bars, and soon no drinking and no talking!
  • Thank you for flying Church of England, Cake or Death?
  • Two languages in one head? No one can live at that speed! Good Lord man, you’re asking the impossible! But, the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana! Well … yes, but they’re cheating!
  • We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. I claim India for Britain! And they’re going, “You can’t claim us, we live here! There’s five hundred million of us!”
  • I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don’t wanna let them get away; I wanna keep them! They have too much freedom … I want bees on elastic, so when they get pollen, they come back here! My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him; I wanna walk in their footsteps … and their footsteps were like this: [running wildly from imaginary bees] ‘Aaah! I’m covered in bees! Aaah! Covered in bees!’
  • I’ve wiped the file? …. I’ve wiped all the files? …. I’ve wiped the INTERNET? I don’t even have a modem!
  • Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion – they’re two words which are both … different. In spelling.
  • Racist people, interestingly are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I’ll go outside and have a cigarrete. Racist people never go, Do you mind if I’m racist? Oh, I’ll go outside…
  • I am an evil giraffe, and I shall eat more leaves from this tree then perhaps I should, so that other giraffes may die.

I am so excited about this. Can you tell? Can you?!?


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